Is Love Enough?

About 5 minutes after you start looking into adoption, you start hearing about the worries of attachment. Attachment disorders, attachment issues, and the scariest of all...Reactive Attachment Disorder(RAD). Before you've even been matched with a child, your agency educates you about attachment, the adoption forums discuss it on a daily basis, your social worker advises reading books about it (and there are hundreds), you take online courses and tests to prove you "get it". But in reality, you think, "I don't need to worry about this stuff, everything will be fine".

Then you're matched with a beautiful little girl and that seed of uneasiness starts growing in your head, "what if she doesn't attach to us?", "what if she isn't capable of forming healthy relationships?", "what if she has issues?". But you push it away and focus on that one picture, that one with the smile, and you think "she's perfect, she's smiling, it's going to be fine".

Then you actually get to hold that little girl in your arms and be her Mom and that's when it becomes a reality. All that attachment stuff that you didn't want to put stock in becomes a reality. You start to analyze every single thing you do and every single move she makes. You become obsessed with all things "attachment". You scourer every attachment forum you can find, you talk with other adoptive Mom's, you worry every second about what might happen if she doesn't attach. But in reality, you're not sure what real attachment even looks like. You're not even enjoying your little girl because you're too busy worrying about "attachment".

All the experts say "love is not enough" when raising a adopted child who spent time in an orphanage. They say that because of the abandonment and lack of a maternal bond during the infant years, adopted children are actually hardwired differently than your biological children. Something about the brain and the cycle of needs and it causes a actual shift in brain chemistry. They give you lists of things to do, lists of things not to do, they warn of the long-term consequences of not doing it right, basically, they scare the poop out of you.

So that brings me to today, our family, our decisions, our Livvie.

The experts say your child should sleep with you for at least the first year to promote a bond. The experts have obviously never slept with a 2-year old who snores like a trucker and flops around like a fish all night. I would argue that a rested, happy Mom is much better for Livvie than a crabby, sleep deprived one who glares at her all night willing her to stop snoring so I can fall asleep. So as of last night, Livvie is sleeping in her own bed, in her own room. Does this mean she'll need therapy when she's 14? Maybe, or perhaps it means we're both getting a good nights sleep and waking up happier.

The experts say you need to give your new child everything they need and want, unconditionally. They also seems to frown upon any form of discipline (supposedly discipline is taken care of later, but no one really says when). Penny the Dog disagrees with this wholeheartedly after being clunked across the nose with a frying pan for the second time in one week. Granted, it was a toy frying pan, but I'm quite sure it still hurt because she is now hiding under the bed. The first time it happened, I was still in what I will call "attachment fog". I said "no-no Livvie", she laughed and that was the end of that. This time, I took the frying pan away and set her in the chair for a time out. Now, the experts are uniformly dead-set against time outs for adopted children. So have I traumatized her for life? Maybe, but my Mom instinct told me the kid needed a time out.

So...will Livvie have attachment issues as she grows up? She might. But I'm done revolving our life around what might be. Instead I'm going to live in the moment, enjoy the amazing little girl we were blessed with, and go back to what we believed when we started this process - "It's going to be fine".

Because I really do believe that love is enough.

Dirty, Rotten Liars....

You know who you are. All you Mom’s that kept asking me: “When are you going to have another one?” To which I would always reply: “Oh-no, one is enough work for me!” And you know what the response always was? I know you do….”Oh - two is actually EASIER than one! They keep each other occupied”.

Now I’m a fairly educated person and I knew that statistically the math didn’t make sense on that one. If one kid kept me crazy busy every waking hour of the day, how could two kids possibly not create double craziness? But oh no, you all stuck to your story….”Two is easier than one”. Well I’m here to tell all you innocents out there that still have only one that they are all dirty rotten liars. Two is not only NOT easier than one, it’s MORE than double the work.

Do Lucky and Livvie play together and keep each other occupied? Yes, that is true. But it’s what they do to keep each other occupied that is the problem. In the time period of two short weeks I’ve learned that when two kids play together there is some unknown law of nature that compells them to use hurricane force strenght to demolish what ever room they are in or start an all out brawl over a toy that neither of them actually care about (but now have to have because the other one was playing with it). Seriously, I leave the room for 10 minutes to do laundry and I come back to a disaster zone that takes 30 minutes to clean up. You do the math.

And don’t even get me started on getting two kids ready in the morning. Lucky was a breeze to get ready. Breakfast while watching Curious George, washcloth to the face, potty, teeth, dressed and out the door. Simple, easy, quick. Two kids…sigh. By the time I get the second one dressed, the first one has their clothes dirty already. I’m going to be lucky if I roll into work by 11:00 each day.

We're Home

After over 24 hours of straight travel, three flights, and one poopy-pants blowout...we're finally home! We got home at around 10:30pm on Friday night and we've been trying to get over jet-lag and get back onto a semi regular schedule. The kids have been waking up at 3:30am the last two days since their bodies are still on China time (and then we're all dead tired by around noon and ready to sleep all day). Hopefully our bodies will start to catch-up in a few days.

Both kids did incredibly well on the flights home. They both slept on and off on the 14 hour flight and for the most part were pretty laid back. Livvie is looking a bit shell-shocked and I don't think is loving the cold weather and snow.

Our first two days at home have been 500% better than it was in China. I think Livvie is starting to realize she's stuck with us and may be actually starting to like us. When we got in Friday night she was pretty crabby and unsure when we showed her around the house. But when we got to her room and she noticed the 3 baby-dolls I bought her, she lit up! She started babbling in this excited voice and went and grabbed all three of them and found the pretend bottles and food and started to feed them. She's been playing with them all weekend and loves to carry them around and kiss them. She's also started to give me kisses on the hand which is a great sign that she's attaching to me.

It's amazing how quickly she's grasping the language too. She can't say any words, but man she can understand a ton of what we say already. If we tell her to go get her shoes, or go potty, or put away the toys, she knows exactly what we mean and does it. Her attitude is getting much, much better and we're starting to get to know a very sweet, funny little girl.

She still wants Mama all the time and Daddy is pretty much chopped liver. So for right now Dad's in charge of Lucky and I'm in charge of Liv. The house is a disaster and I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get caught up with all the laundry we brought home. But we're home and that's all that matters right now.

The End is Near

Well it's Wednesday here in China which means we only have one more full day before we head to the airport (Thank God!).  This afternoon we have group photos at the White Swan hotel and all the kids in our group wear traditional Chinese dresses for the pics.  We have a strong willed group of little girls, so I have a feeling the pics are going to be a bit of a disaster!  :)  Oh well, it will be a cute keepsake.

 

Tomorrow we have a free day so we're going to finish up our shopping for keepsakes for Livvie and also try to get some more pictures of the island.  I also need to start packing and hope I can fit everything into the suitcases.

 

Friday morning we head to the airport at around 5:00am, so it's going to be a very early morning for us.  We fly to Shanghai and then have a 7 hour layover until our flight leaves for Chicago.  14.5 hours later we should get to Chicago and then another hour to CWA.  I'm hoping we'll be home around 10:00pm Friday night.  People have been saying that the jet lag on the way back is even worse than on the way here, so I think our first weekend home will be spent resting and getting Livvie settled in.  Cale is heading back to work on Monday, so hopefully he can get caught up on sleep over the weekend.  Truth be told, I'm kinda jealous he gets to go back to work on Monday...I think I'm going to have my hands full at home and the thought of going to work sounds like a vacation to me.

 

Livvie continues to be a "spirited child" which as you all know if parenting code for brat.  We love her to death, but man she is stubborn.  I think getting some structure at home is going to do her a world of good, but for now, it's still tough.  And since she's attached to me it also means she goes ballistic if I hold Lucky or give him any attention.  It's the all mama show, all the time.

 

One new development is her and Lucky are finally playing together (remember the saying, be careful what you wish for?).  Wow - the two of them together are a TORNADO!!!  The hotel room is a disaster of epic proportions and the sound level is super sonic.  I feel so bad for the other guests on our floor...they must thing we are skinning cats in our room.

 

I'm hiding out in the hotel bar writing this since our room doesn't have wireless Internet.  Too bad I don't know the Chinese word for Whiskey and Sour........